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You might be a mommy if . . . (2012)--Part I
By Leslie Wilson
Comedian Jeff Foxworthy has built a career on poking fun at his backwoods beginnings. His "You might be a redneck if . . . " sends readers and audience members into laughing fits -- as they recognize their brother-in-law (or themselves) in the stereotypical behavior. Borrowing from his genius -- and just in time for Mothers Day -- we can enjoy this annual installment of signs indicating motherhood.
An indulgence is going to bed before midnight or sleeping past 5 a.m.
You have serious discussions about manners and Cookie Monster.
Losing the pacifier evokes a panic on the same level as the car breaking down, losing your wallet or seeing the blue screen of death on the laptop.
And -- before you had children -- you swore you'd never let them have a pacifier.
Anytime someone gets hurt -- even a grown-up-- you refer to their "owie" or "boo-boo."
You clip 60+ nails on nail-clipping day.
You eat more than your fair share of bread heels and slightly burnt food because your kids won't touch it.
You keep a jar of M&Ms in the bathroom for bribes.
You know exactly how many days are left until the end of the school year.
And -- ironically enough -- one month later, you know exactly how many days are left of summer vacation.
You find dead lizards in the washing machine after you launder little boy jeans.
You regularly use this technique to avoid squabbles: One kid splits the cake/candy bar/stick of gum, and the other gets to pick his or her half first.
You have masking tape down the center of the backseat.
The color flecks in your carpet are dried Play-doh.
You share intimate bathroom moments with two toddlers, a Golden retriever, a cat and assorted Fisher Price toys.
Your child is 35, yet you still call her your baby.
On a chilly night, you absent-mindedly ask your husband if he would like a "blankie."
You count down by how many "sleeps" until something important is to happen (e.g., only 15 more sleeps until Christmas").
You live in a house with four bathrooms, but on any given day you've changed the toilet paper roll at least twice.
You forego seconds at dinner because your growing teenagers aren't full yet.
You're eating your soup from the melamine Peter Rabbit bowl.
Because it's the only clean bowl in the house.
You plan an outing that you'd enjoy that turns out being even more fun for your kids.
Your purse (or your car) has scissors, toy story band-aids, hair ties, water bottles, extra keys, lots of receipts, very little money and emergency candy bars breaking in the bottom.
Your husband says, "Have fun" as you skip out the door to the grocery store alone.
You think a stay in the hospital while delivering another child is like a vacation.
You will always be the size you are -- unless you get shorter or fatter.
You've ever used tweezers to retrieve a Lego (or raisin or aquarium rock or button or dime) out of your son's nose.
You'll willingly hug and kiss a kid who has sticky fingers, sweat-drenched hair and a milk mustache.
You started watching Survivor thinking it would be autobiographical.
You're overworked, overcommitted and underappreciated -- and you wouldn't trade your life for anything in the world.
You blinked, breathed or turned around and your kids grew up.
Leslie co-authored A Scrapbook of Motherhood Firsts, which released April 10th--just in time for Mother's Day. Visit her website and blog at www.lesliewilson.com.
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